Day 140

"For nothing is impossible with God" read the windscreen of a car as it whizzed past me as I walked to get John's lunch. How did God know we needed to hear that today?

John's counts have been bad for weeks now. The doctors thought it was probably the drugs John was on and that as they tapered those the counts would go up; alas his white cell and platelet count are tanking worse than ever. The doctors want to give him a "boost"; this means Ian, his brother and donor, coming and giving John more stem cells. The doctor ensures that the graft is taking as the red blood cells are doing well but John's white cells do not seem to be progressing as quickly. This could be for a number of reasons:
1. Sometimes they just take longer. Many transplant patients get a "boost" and it just gives the body a kick and the white cells catch up.
2. It is drug related. John's steroids were tapered again today and if counts go up they will delay any "boost".
3. John's underlying condition means he is unable to sustain white cells or any kind of immune system.
Number 3 frightens us.
God showed us that car because of number 3.

When I (Amanda) think about this transplant not healing John I get consumed with deep hopelessness. I have felt extremely discouraged these last few weeks, since John's fall. It's feels like everything is piling on top of us. I look around me and I see every other couple our age enjoying life! Thinking about their future! Planning families and I think "Why not us? Why must we face this?"
As we sat in the hospital today I just took a moment with God. I gave him all my sadness, anger, self pity, my hopelessness and he said one word to me

"Remember"

Just then I remember Issiah 55 and how much that boosted my faith and my hope so we read it again together.
It's what has kept us walking all day, kept us from giving up.

Today was long. Emotionally draining. As we returned home this evening we noticed John's chest line was bleeding, "great we thought" as we traipsed once again to the ER so they could fix it. They are keeping John a few hours to ensure the bleeding has stopped and then he will come home.

Tomorrow, I (Amanda) am going to Pittsburgh to be a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding. Please pray for me as leaving John is very hard, especially considering our news today. He will be taken care of by my Mum.