And what a month it has been! Who needs 'Days of our Lives'? We have been a living soap opera. But in all seriousness this month has been beautifully and painfully wonderful where our love and understanding has grown immensely.
Most of you know the story but now we want to tell you our journey.
It all started on Friday the 18th September 2009. This day started well, waking up happy seeing my best friend Steph from the UK, who arrived the day before! On my way to work John called and calmly told me he had been coughing up blood and was on his way to the ER. I panicked but he calmed me down telling me he felt fine and he was sure it was nothing and he would see me later. That evening we planned to take Steph into Harvard and we were all excited.
As the day wore on John was on my mind and we decided to go and stay with him as he waited in the ER. During this time I saw how much blood he was coughing up and my heart began to sink...this was not normal...this was not ok. The doctors decided to keep him overnight but did not seem to suggest it was anything serious so Steph and I went home and slept...little did I know this was my last blissful sleep for a long time.
I awoke to a voice mail telling me John was in the ICU after another massive bleed; I cannot describe my emotion- helpless and confused I tried to call and speak to someone. The nurse told me she would call when I could visit.
I waited.
In an effort to keep sane I folded every single item of clothing I owned! I never understood why my mother would obsessively do housework while my dad was in hospital and finally I understood- at moments like these any control you can grab keeps you sane. After this was done I despaired and decided I would no longer wait and I would just go to the hospital.
By the time I got there the nurse had called and told me his location.
The man I saw was hooked up to tubes, IVs and he was unconscious. I had full knowledge of John's health problems and I had prayed against seeing this many times but now here he was and here I was with him. I stood beside him and spoke to him; the nurse said he could hear me.
(below John and Ian, his brother)
As I wept over him he woke up and seeing my face beamed the biggest smile I have seen him smile. I told him he was going to be ok.
The doctors had discovered an artery had a hole in it and so they have blocked the bleed; or at least they hoped they had. If he bled again it would be fatal, said the doctor. And so we waited.
The next morning, after a night in the ICU waiting room, John's family arrived. All together we held each other up; kept each other strong when one was weak. Friends also came in waves, at just the right time they would come and hold me up.
During this time I cried out to God; sometimes with overwhelming sadness, other times with confusion and often in anger. I had so many questions. Each time I ended my prayers on my knees submitting to His will; He was in control and I was not. God had never let me down before. He had spoken so much over John and I about our future and clinging to these truths was often hard but I knew I had to trust. The second night I was awake, alone and God told me to worship- a mixture of anger and confusion came again; "How could you ask me to worship you right now? John could die and you want my worship; what about me? What about what I need?" God told me "This is what you need". No feeling drove me to put my ipod in my ears and listen to worship except the deep down knowledge that at this moment worship would be the only thing that would make sense. I listened to songs about Jesus love and faithfulness and the truth of who God was overtook me; in particular he led me to a song called 'I Have Found' by Kim Walker. I have included a link.
Over the next week I listened to this over and over. That night I submitted the situation to God; I did not know how it would end but I knew whatever happened would be God will.
Two days later I finally felt ready to leave the hospital for a little while, to shower and get things. During this time John bled again. This time the doctors said they would need to operate immediately to remove the upper right lobe of the lung due to a massive fungal infection that had not only compromised the artery but would continue to grow and damage him if it is was not removed. During the early days in the hospital John had signed me over as his health proxy so the decision landed with me. With the support of his family we decided the decision to operate was the best one. Within minutes John was gone to surgery. He awoke just before we left and we explained what was happening and told him to trust us.
During the 4 hour wait I had total peace from God, not that John would be OK but just that God was in control; whether John would stay with us or not was up to God and I knew whatever happened He would take care of me. I finally understood fully what God meant in Phillippians 4: 7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
Since that day John has been improving to the amazement of his doctors. He was released from hospital the Tuesday before the wedding and on the Saturday there he was to meet me at the altar. Strong, healthy and getting better every day!
Now we are back at work, serving our gracious, merciful and healing God! Seeing His kingdom advance in New England and so excited to be part of it.
Our lives are Christs, we owe all to Him and as we sang at our wedding we truly want Him at the centre of our lives.
Thank you to all who prayed and helped us during this month! We were so blessed
More news soon...
