Day 146

 "How can we help you?"

So many people who love us ask us this everyday. Our normal response is "Prayer" and still that is our number one need. However, as I was speaking with John I realized there are many items that John would like that would make his life a little easier as he seeks to regain strength. 

John has made a 'wish list' on Amazon.

http://amzn.com/w/27QSOK99I3M0F 

We would ask if you would take a look.

We wanted to give everyone the opportunity to help us in this way if they feel led too.

By each item is a description of why John would like the item.

We thank you in advance for helping us in this practical way as well as for all your prayers which we so desperately need in this uncertain time.

On a personal note, I (Amanda) had a wonderful time in Pittsburgh at my good friends Jessi and Aaron's wedding. It all was wonderful and they looked amazing! It was very cathartic to spend time with my girlfriends and just loose control for a little while :) It was also nice to see my family, Ian and Beth. I only wish I could have seen all the people I love in West PA.

It was hard to leave John though and I am glad to be back where I belong, by his side :)

Day 140

"For nothing is impossible with God" read the windscreen of a car as it whizzed past me as I walked to get John's lunch. How did God know we needed to hear that today?

John's counts have been bad for weeks now. The doctors thought it was probably the drugs John was on and that as they tapered those the counts would go up; alas his white cell and platelet count are tanking worse than ever. The doctors want to give him a "boost"; this means Ian, his brother and donor, coming and giving John more stem cells. The doctor ensures that the graft is taking as the red blood cells are doing well but John's white cells do not seem to be progressing as quickly. This could be for a number of reasons:
1. Sometimes they just take longer. Many transplant patients get a "boost" and it just gives the body a kick and the white cells catch up.
2. It is drug related. John's steroids were tapered again today and if counts go up they will delay any "boost".
3. John's underlying condition means he is unable to sustain white cells or any kind of immune system.
Number 3 frightens us.
God showed us that car because of number 3.

When I (Amanda) think about this transplant not healing John I get consumed with deep hopelessness. I have felt extremely discouraged these last few weeks, since John's fall. It's feels like everything is piling on top of us. I look around me and I see every other couple our age enjoying life! Thinking about their future! Planning families and I think "Why not us? Why must we face this?"
As we sat in the hospital today I just took a moment with God. I gave him all my sadness, anger, self pity, my hopelessness and he said one word to me

"Remember"

Just then I remember Issiah 55 and how much that boosted my faith and my hope so we read it again together.
It's what has kept us walking all day, kept us from giving up.

Today was long. Emotionally draining. As we returned home this evening we noticed John's chest line was bleeding, "great we thought" as we traipsed once again to the ER so they could fix it. They are keeping John a few hours to ensure the bleeding has stopped and then he will come home.

Tomorrow, I (Amanda) am going to Pittsburgh to be a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding. Please pray for me as leaving John is very hard, especially considering our news today. He will be taken care of by my Mum.

Day 129

Can you believe it's only been 129 days since transplant? Can you believe we are not even half way through this year?

Sometimes those questions taunt us. Sometimes they fill us with dread and disappointment. Sometimes they tempt us to give up.

How good is God?
He see's our hearts are weary and broken and meets us.
While I was praying a few nights ago I poured my heart to God. I told him that every day I feel like we have no strength. Just as I began to cry God spoke the words "Isaiah 55" to me. I had no memory of that book and figured it was perhaps just my mind wanting to hear something, despite my pessimism I looked up this passage and my eyes immediately landed on words from verse 8 till end of the chapter:

"I don't think the way you think.
   The way you work isn't the way I work."
         God's Decree.
"For as the sky soars high above earth,
   so the way I work surpasses the way you work,
   and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
   and don't go back until they've watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
   producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
   not come back empty-handed.
They'll do the work I sent them to do,
   they'll complete the assignment I gave them. 

 "So you'll go out in joy,
   you'll be led into a whole and complete life.
The mountains and hills will lead the parade,
   bursting with song.
All the trees of the forest will join the procession,
   exuberant with applause.
No more thistles, but giant sequoias,
   no more thorn bushes, but stately pines—
Monuments to me, to God,
   living and lasting evidence of God." 

Need we say more.

What a beautiful, personal, living and loving God we serve.

Day 121

John and I watching the Royal wedding!

The words of Psalm 139 have been such a comfort to us these past few days. Knowing that even though John is "complicated" for doctors, God formed him by His hand and that no part of John is hidden from Him.

At the end of the day we have learned over these months to trust only in God.

Another challenging few weeks. Just one week after John's fall he is back in hospital. 

On Monday 2nd May went to the hospital for a regular appointment for blood tests etc. John has been having chronic nose bleeds, which had only got worse in the previous days. These were a result of low platelets (clotting factor), a side effect of some of his medications. We spent the whole day trying to stop but nothing would work so with sadness we knew we would have to yet again go to the ER. While there John began coughing and the doctors seemed concerned. They ordered a chest x ray and found what is thought to be phenomena, he has been in Brigham and Women's hospital since.

Today he went for a bronchoscopy. We await the results. 

These struggles and hardships will only make John's future healing evermore sweet.